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Bush To Sign "Whatever The Hell You Want" BillWASHINGTON- In a bold first move, President George W. Bush has drawn up papers needed to enact his first presidential bill.Tentatively called the "Whatever the Hell you Want" bill, Bush plans to present the article to congress his first week in office. "This is indeed a monumental achievement for God-loving republicans everywhere," said Bush analyst Fred McGreggor Norman. "Bush has taken the initiative and has wasted no time in putting his campaign plans into motion" "It's a simple plan," said Bush to eager journalists at a recent press conference, "In essence, my plans states that 1.) You do whatever the hell you people want, and 2.) I move to Costa Rica, get wasted whenever I want, and limbo till I rip my spine in half" "It's obvious that this great man has put a lot of time and effort into his cause. I now can rest easy, knowing that in the future I will be well cared for." added analyst Norman. The bill has paved the way for not only Bush's own agenda, but for future presidents as well. More specifically, the bill will provide the American populace free reign over what they can and cannot do. "Whatever the Hell you Want" has proven Bush's worth as leader of this free world. "I might change the name. Does the name Charter Bush co-Plan Act Agenda Promise of 2000 sound more important?" Bush asked journalists. Silence, "All right, I'll get some guy to work on that, I guess" Added Bush, "I might even get that Chen-whathisname guy to sign it for me. It really doesn't matter" - Eric
UPN Introduces Extreme NewsAiring this fall along with WcW Nitro Monday Night Raw!, Tuesday Night Smack Down REAL GOOD!, and Hard Man Rumble!, a new breed of show is surfacing. Tentatively dubbed as Smacked Extreme News Brawl, the innovative show will introduce a new aspect to the news. Along with up-to-date news coverage, Smacked Extreme News Brawl (SENB) will have regular wrestling guests there to add action. Coverage is given as ridiculously dressed large men beat each other with chairs. Scantly dressed women may or may not be added later. "I'm pumped up to the max on this show. We gonna shove it all down ya'll throats," says Producer Rick "Crusher" Hannon on the new series. The placement of the show has taken its spot in primetime, replacing the newly developed Star Trek series. Sadly, UPN was originally the only one willing to take on the new Star Trek as other stations felt that a new, more innovative approach to tv was the way to go. Fox's Deadly Animals on the Loose! and Dangerous Fire Hazards, along with ABC's Raging Natural Disasters and NBC's yet-to-be-named 20 new citcoms have pushed Star Trek out. "I'm confident that the viewers will be happy," says tv statistician Owen Rendell. "The TV know what's good for the people out there. No, parents have no right to stop their children from freely viewing TV, they have as much a right to watch a man slowly die as everyone else." Smacked Extreme News Brawl is currently scheduled to be the forerunner of the wave. Construction on the Empire Battle Dome, set to house the coming show, will be complete with flashy strobe lights, dangerous lasers, 30-foot tall speakers, ampitheater sections for live audiences, and plenty of chairs. "All ya gonna be wacked come this fall. We got some in-yo-face action. And ain't nobody gonna stop us!" says Rick. Where he proceeded to hurl a desk through a window in triumph. - Eric
Parents Getting Desperate For NostalgiaToday's "baby boomers", as they are known, are getting desperate for things that will help them reconnect with their past, despite the fact that it is gone. Massive numbers of people (and numbers of massive people) have taken up collecting stuff that represents the sixties and seventies, be it lava lamps and Bob Dylan records or happy faces and leisure suits. These collectors have also taken to drastic measures at obtaining cash. One popular method is selling children or spouses on eBay. It brings in money, proponents say, and gets rid of irritating family members. Opponents point out that it's highly illegal. Proponents fight back with a strongly worded "Screw you." - Morris
Pope wonders why everyone keeps trying to kiss himSYDNEY - Pope John Paul, in a recent trip to Sydney, inquired to something that has been bothering him for some time now. In a large gathering of over 150,000 people, the Pope finally got the nerve to just get up and ask. "Please.... why do you people keep trying to kiss me? It's nice and everything, but there's only so much a grown man of God can take. Really, am I that attractive? Or do I taste like jelly? Here, let me try," pausing a moment to lift his left hand and gentle peck it, "Nope, nothing. I'm out of ideas." "He looked around at those closer to the stage and just randomly pointed at me!" says devout follower of Pope John, attendee of the speech. "I was totally wacked out man. I mean THE POPE looking at ME and asking ME a question. I was totally blown away, man." "What did he ask..? Man, I don't know, but I gave him a big wet one on the hand when the whole thing was over," The Pope, reclining any further questioning after the event, shook his head sadly as he boarded his plane home. Speculation is rampant that the kissing will not stop, and that the Pope will just have to deal with it. Perhaps some kind of industrial soap would help. - July 26, 2000 - Eric
"Shut The Hell Up!" Says ClintonWASHINGTON - In a frenzy, President Clinton shocked reporters and White House officials alike in his recent press conference. "First he was talking about some generic tax reform bill that no one cared about. Then he suddenly blew up!" says Washington Post reporter Jim Harroway, making explosion sound effects and waving his arms to reconstruct the scene. Reports from various sorces were able to break down the event to see just what it was that made Clinton break down. "'Why do you people keep telling me how to do my job?' he said, 'I don't tell you how to do YOUR pathetic jobs! You try leading the free world into a new age of peace and see how you like it, you stupid poop heads.' Then he made this squinty face and stormed out of the room, pushing his way through his SS men," Detective Jones Marshal concludes that this could have been what the President said. It is beleived that the breaking point came when reporter Hack Flayland, known George W. Bush supporter and hard-core Christian rights leader, made a comment about Clinton neglecting his duties in the US by taking trips to Japan. William Clinton has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out until the "bad people" go away. Republican Representatives have already made plans to draw up formal charges of obstruction of justice against the President. The plan is expected to swing into action quickly and pull through beautifully. "Just like last time! Heh, heh.." Congressman Richardson, R-Texas, declares. Clinton refused to comment, as well as come down for dinner. - July 21, 2000 - Eric
Appocalypse Chicken Seen in Music RoomThings were quiet in the small music room on July 12th, 2000. Students were packing up their instruments and preparing to leave their last day of summer band, when a rubber chicken, seemingly out of no where, flew into the director Ken Salsa's face as he played his trumpet. Pandemoniuom broke out immediately. Students were shouting undiscernable phrases about the Appocalypse Chicken and proceeded to throw the rubber toy around the room. It was impossible to tell the origin of the chicken, and although some believe it came from the trumpet case of a freshman in the band, there has been no proof to support this theory. Several students were questioned about the incident. They all refused to say why they called it the Appocalypse Chicken, or from where it came. When questioned, clarinet player Wilma Ricola said vehemently, "I like flute." She will be further questioned about this offensive remark. Salsa had little to say about the incident and merely commented, "We used to saw the legs off of our little Hobatchi grill so we could barbecue on the roof. Man, that was fun. But don't grill near a bean bag. That's a mess." - July 21, 2000 - Alice
Lobster Beauty Pageant To Be Held In Time SquareIn exactly one week, top lobsters from around the world will be arriving in New York City's Time Square for the 52nd annual Claws & Tails Lobster Beauty Pageant. Last year's queen claw & tail, Miss Redi Toeat will be there to pass on the crown. The competition promises to be fearce this year, as most of the contestants are heavyweights in their individual tanks. The two expected to be up to recieve the crown are: from Maine, Miss Ser Vdhot, and from Massechusets Miss Tase Di. Miss Di is known for her bountiful claws while Miss Vdhot flourishes a tail to make tongues turn. The judges, reknowned in their expertise are, Julia Child- who favours the buttery gowns-,and Bill Clinton- who is suspected of just wanting to "get some tail." In hopes that it all boils down well, the advertizing promises that it will be a delicious event! - July 24, 2000 - Becca
Spies too small to see are keeping an eye on you while you browse the world wide web.If the bugs are put in an e-mail there is no real defence against them David Banisar, Epic The "web bugs" hide computer codes behind images only a pixel in size to gather information about surfing habits. The bugs are almost impossible to defend against. Privacy experts say the hidden images are the first of a new generation of "spyware" designed to watch what people do on the web without them knowing. Many websites use invisible images to ensure the graphics they want people to see sit in the right position. But now some companies are putting invisible images only a pixel square on web pages that have a more sinister use. "They are a secret way of gathering information about someone," said David Banisar, a civil liberties expert from the Electronic Privacy Information Centre (Epic). The image usually matches the background colour of the page it sits on to ensure they are completely invisible. Every image or letter on a computer screen is drawn by filling in, leaving blank or colouring pixels or picture elements. Common resolutions for computer screens are 1024 by 768, 800 by 600 or 640 by 480 pixels. The bugs may be invisible to surfers but as far as a computer is concerned they are just another image. Because of this, packed pixels, HTML code can be hidden behind them, and that HTML code can be used to gather information about your surfing habits. Data web bugs can gather:-
Typically the request for the invisible "web bug" image goes to a server that has the job of collating information on lots of web users. When a browser such as Netscape communicator or Internet Explorer requests data it usually sends information about the machine and person using it. The HTML code hidden in the image can request additional information from that computer or the past visits to that site. The web bugs can mine information about who owns the site you are surfing from as well as details about your computer such as what data is held in the Windows registry. The bugs work best in conjunction with cookies - files that log what you do on a website - and can interrogate them to find out more about you. While many people turn off cookies, few are aware that there are other ways for them to be watched. The only way to stop them completely is to turn off the graphics on all the websites you browse. But Mr Banisar says that this does not mean that people avoid the attention of web bugs. Anything that can read HTML, such as e-mail programs, Usenet readers, instant chat programs and word processors, can be bugged. "If the bugs are put in an e-mail, there is no real defence against them," said Mr Banisar. Some companies are now peppering all the web pages that they advertise on with web bugs. Visiting one bugged page will mean that all the pages in that network will gather information about you. Some websites such as Privacy.net allow users to check how leaky their computer is and what information it is giving out. A lot of pages are bugged. Using search engines to ferret out the tell-tale HTML code returns thousands of hits. If you are browsing behind a firewall you can make sure that tiny images are stripped out before the pages are served up. The data being collected is usually sent to online advertising services such as Doubleclick, Engage Technologies and MatchLogic. The US Federal Trade Commission is known to be investigating the use of web bugs and is worried that people are being watched without their consent. "In the absence of any legal protection, it is up to the consumer to figure it out for themselves," said Mr Banisar. "Unfortunately it is too complex for anyone short of a PhD programmer to work out." - July 24, 2000 - Amin
Negotiations End: Ice Cube Debate to Become Next Focus of Arab-Jew WarThe peace talks between Palestinian leader Yaaer Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak ended yesterday in a violent argument over ice cubes. At approximately 1:00 PM EST, drinks were served to the two leaders and mediator President Bill Clinton. According to officials present at the scene, a disagrement arose when ice was served to the negotiators. According to the waiter, "Barak was served ice first, and, using the ice tongs provided, he placed two cubes into his drink. He then passed the ice tray to Clinton, who also put two cubes in his drink. When it was Arafat's turn to use the ice, however, he put three cubes in his drink." The waiter then went on to describe the scene that followed. When Arafat was done with the ice, Barak was heard to say, "Oh, so your country thinks that it deserves more ice than my country?" Arafat is said to have replied, "Your country has already encroached on our land and violated the sanctity of our Holy Land. Must you also encroach on my country's ice-taking rights?" Barak retored with "Ninny ninny poo head.", causing to Arafat, hurt, to run from the room crying. Later, Barak found an ice cube in his drink that, at first glance, appeared to contain a fly. Upon closer inspection, however, it was revealed to be a plastic "gimick" ice cube with a fly's likeness implanted in it. Nothing has been proven as of yet, but Barak feels sure that it was a stunt pulled by Arafat. The climax of the negotiations occurred at 8:00 PM EST, when Arafat, sitting down to heed nature's call, was greeted by a large plastic snake in the toilet. "This is the last straw," Arafat said. He paused only to inform President Clinton of his declaration of war on Israel and to flush a lit cherry bomb down Barak's toilet before storming out of the hotel. Some say the roots of the debate began as far back as yesterday, when Barak ordered water with carbonation in it rather than the traditional plain water, thus prompting Arafat to inquire about the presence of gas in the water. Not surprisingly, many members of the public were not shocked at all at the final result of negotiations. "Arafat? Barak? Who're they?" said one citizen we asked. And when presidential cantidate George W. Bush was asked about his reactions to the result, he said only "Kill 'em all, that's what I say. And kill the gays blacks and Catholics too, while we're at it." Upon being informed that he was being interviewed by a national newspaper, Bush is quoted as saying "Give me that tablet, you (censored) (censored) Lego (censored)!" Naturally, such a comment has hurt Bush's standings in the polls, as many people are puzzled by the presence of the word Lego in his threat. Presidential cantidate Al Gore, who was also present at the negotiations, said "I don't have any idea where that cherry bomb came from. Not me. Nuh-uh. No way. You got the wrong guy." He then went on to describe the talks as "mature ad sincere". - July 20, 2000 - Will
Quebec Moves To Rural New York Village: First In Reign Of TerrorQuebec, in a recent agreement, has officially declared it's movement to the small community of Jamerston, NY. The Canadian government continues to be baffled by the sudden move. "Well, ..... why???" says Joseph Jaques Jean Chretien, Canadian prime minister. Of course, this statement was followed by a round of furious attempts at ignoring and forgetting anything happened. "Come on people! What the hey has Quebec ever done for us? I for one am glad to see those French people leave!" Jamerston, however, is not as pleased with the agreement. "Didn't this happen last year?" a middle-aged man responds. Told that nothing like this has ever happened, "Oh... must've been when mayor Jones closed down the old mini golf shop." The new Quebec capitol will be housed in the newly renovated theater house downtown. Any formal meetings or hearings will be held in the upstairs gymnastics room. In questioning, the Quebecian leader solidified his promise for a new age in Quebec. "For too long our people have suffered.under the wraith of the Canadian government! America will prove an inviting target. Soon we will spread out into the areas you call Hutsville and Riverside Way. Nothing will stop our quest for power!! muuhahahahahahaha...........
National Survey Done By The Nation Survey Commision Finds That Headlines Are Often Longer Than The Actual Articles.Some headlines are too long. - July 20, 2000 - Wes
Cat Destroys UniverseUnconfirmed reports say that last night around two am eastern standard time, a cat destroyed the universe. Mary Jones told reporters this morning that she was afraid her cat may have destroyed the universe late last night. "He was just sitting there... looking really mad.... and then WHAM! He destroyed the universe." remarked Mary. Fluffy, the cat accused of destroying the universe had this to say "...." It is predicted that the cat will be found guilty and have his catnip priveleges revoked for three to four days. - July 16, 2000 - Wes
Local Man Says Sun is "Too Dang Hot"Local man, Jed Moris, says the sun is "Just too dang hot!" This comment was provoced after the day before Jed suffered severe sunburn while sitting on his lawn getting drunk. "I never did anything to the sun, why's it gotta pick on me?!" shouted an outraged Jed. Despite Jed's plea for a cooler sun, it is unlikely that congress will vote his plan into action. Congressman William James remarked, "Who are you people and what are you doing in my house?!?!" when confronted about the situation. Jed feels that this whole ordeal is, "a load of bull hockey." "When a man can't get drunk in his own yard without sum dang sun comin around. Well, let's just say that America's in one sorry state of affairs." - July 16, 2000 - Wes
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