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Here Zone!

The Here Zone, because wherever you go, you're always Here


"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners. "

"All I want is a kind word, a warm bed and unlimited power. "

"Life is like a roll of toilet paper, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always useful."

"Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying"

"A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway."

"Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!"

"Hard work often pays off in the future, but laziness always pays off now. "

"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things."

""I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea.""

"Besides a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read"

"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk."

"Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative."

"I don't let facts cloud my opions."

"Friends are there to help you, real friends are there to help you hide bodies."

"life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. "

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."

"If most people said what's on their minds, they'd be speechless."

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

"Play "Strip Risk". It is the only game in which you can say, "I've conquered Algeria, now give me your pants!""

"One of the problems has to do with the speed of light and the difficulties involved in trying to exceed it. You can't. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there."

"Never ask a barber if you need a haircut."

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire."

"It's always darkest before dawn."

"So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."

"It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot."

"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."

"No one is listening until you make a mistake."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"If you tell the truth you don'thave to remember anything."

"If you haven't much education you must use your brain."

"Never mess up an apology with an excuse."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day."

"Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

"I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit."

"Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!"

"If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people."

"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."

"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"Don't squat with your spurs on."

"Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut."

"Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

"Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."

"A closed mouth gathers no foot."

"Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely different propositions."

"Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way."

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving."

"Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result."

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."

"Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry"

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream"

"Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve."

"After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true."

"A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern."

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."

"Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead."

"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."

"Life is too important to take seriously."

"We don't live in the world of reality, we live in the world of how we perceive reality."

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

"If you love something, set if free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it."

"Profanity is a crutch for the inarticulate motherf***er."

"I code therefore I exist - somewhere between heaven and html."

"A few words placed between quotation marks are not always life altering."

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."

"It's not where you are but who you're with that really matters."

"Men never do evil so completely or cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction."

"When confronted with two evils; Choose the Blonde"

"dont cry becasue its over, smile because it happend"

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can possibly go."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."

"It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice."

"In order to truly love someone, you have to love them more than you need them."

"When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, he very nearly had a heart attack!

"You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

"Don't let yesterday take up to much of today."

"Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. "

"People are illogical, inconsiderate and self-centred. Love them anyway."

"Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert."

"Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements."

"If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."

"Don't be so humble, you're not that great. "

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."

"When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger."

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. "

"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."

"Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of."

"Never mess up an apology with an excuse."

"Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"

"We don't want a thing because we have found a reason for it - we find a reason for it because we want it."

"If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot."

"You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it"

"The meaning of life is to give life meaning."

"Some people are so sensitive they'd feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooked them."

"People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it."

"The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out"

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

"What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to find it is against the wrong wall."

"That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore."

"I've worn contact lenses so long I can put them in with my eyes closed."

"People don't see the world as it is, but as they are."

"Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight."

"If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women."

"A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic."

"How to become immortal: Read this tomorrow and follow its advice."

"If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand."

"Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. "

"War doesn't determine who's right but who's left."

"'You call that a knife? *This* is a knife!' 'No it's not, that's a spoon!' 'Alright alright, you win. I see you've played knifey spoony before!'"

"Nobody has figured out the meanig of life, yet almost everyone knows how to make pudding... I don't get it."

"All extremists should be taken out and shot. "

"It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. "

"Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them."

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. "

"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time."

"Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking."

"Greet everyone you meet with a warm smile. No matter how busy you are, don't rush encounters with coworkers, family, and friends. Speak softly. Listen attentively. Act as if every conversation you have is the most important thing on your mind today. Look your children and your partner in the eyes when they talk to you. Stroke the cat, carress the dog. Lavish love on every living being you meet. See how different you feel it the end of the day."

"Listening is a rare happening among human beings. You cannot listen to the word another is speaking if you are preoccupied with your appearance, or with impressing the other, or are trying to decide what you are going to say when the other stops talking, or are debating about whether what is being said is true or relevant or agreeable. Such matters have their place, but only after listening to the word as the word is being uttered. Listening is a primitive act of love in which a person gives himself to anotherís word, making himself accessible and vulnerable to that word."

"Whilst part of what we perceive comes through our senses from the object before us, another part (and it may be the parger part) always comes out of our own mind." -- William James

"Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. "

"You canít walk a mile in someone elseís shoes until you take off your own."

"You can judge a good listener by asking the talker at the end of the conversation what the listener's position is on the topic. If the talker doesn't know, then the listener has probably done a good job of listening."

"Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. "

"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something."

"I think I'll learn more from listening. Anything I would say I already know."

"schizophrenia beats dining alone"

"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. "

"I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. "

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of oneís own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speakerís world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

"Cancer cures smoking."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...until you can find a rock. "

"What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull. "

"The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough "

"My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work. "

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."

"Dont steal, the government hates competition."

"Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!"

"There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog. "

"Sky-diving: good til the last drop."

"If a tree falls in the forest on a mime, does anyone care?"

"Do unto others then run like hell."

"Remember grasshopper, when you can take the stone from my hand....then you will have a stone and I won't."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right"

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. "

"Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a mountain in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

"I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect."

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."

"If in doubt, make it sound convincing."

"Justice: A decision in your favour. "

"Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again! "

"I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar."

"Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just doesn't care."

"You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker."

"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

"When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."

"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."

"No question is so difficult to answer as that which the answer is obvious."

"He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked."

"The wise man questions the wisdom of others because he questions his own, the foolish man, because it is different from his own."

"To be, or not to be, that is the question. The answer is left as an exercise to the reader."

"Facts don't cease to exist because they are ignored."

"A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything"

"Be curious always! For knowledge will not acquire you: you must acquire it."

"Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves"

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

"The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit for doing them."

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."

"The lamp of genius burns quicker than the lamp of life."

"It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing."

"True genius sees with the eyes of a child and thinks with the brain of a genius."

"The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions which time and mediocrity can resolve."

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."

"There is no adequate defense, except stupidity, against the impact of a new idea."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."

"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."

"To err is human. And stupid."

"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail."

"You're never too old to learn something stupid."

"When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!"

"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."

"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841."

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."'

"Moderation is good, but boring."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking."

"Love thine really pisses them off."

"No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong."

"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."

"When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must befound and stopped."

"Reality can be beaten with enough imagination."

"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."

"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."

"The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know."

"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."

"If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius."

"A man should go on living -- if only to satisfy his curiosity."

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."

"Every man ought to be inquisitive through every hour of his great adventure down to the day when he shall no longer cast a shadow in the sun. For if he dies without a question in his heart, what excuse is there for his continuance?"

"The important thing is not to stop questioning."

"A genius is one who can do anything except make a living."

"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: (1) It's completely impossible. (2) It's possible, but it's not worth doing. (3) I said it was a good idea all along."

"The sum of all intellegence on earth is staying the same, but the population is growing"

"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?"

"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success."

"The man who questions opinions is wise. The man who quarrels with facts is a fool."

"Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech."

"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time."

"By the time your life is finished, you will have learned just enough to begin it well."

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

"Silence is golden... but it's also boring."

"I think therefore I am severly concerned."

"The 50-50-90 rule: Whenever you have a 50/50 chance of getting somthing right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong!"

"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off."

"If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick."

"In victory you deserve champagne, in defeat, you need it."

"No matter how badly idiots outnumber you... they are still the idiots!"

"Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it."

"Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."

"All generalizations are bad."

"To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen."

"98% of all statistics are made up."

"When you don't know where you're going any road will take you there."

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."

"Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius."

"There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are only two kinds of people in the world and those who don't."

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

"Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent."

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking."

"It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper."

"Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope."

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."

My Quotes

"If you had a monkey sitting at a computer randomly typing forever, it would eventually type Romeo and Juliet. But this same monkey would also type the script to a Pauly Shore movie. This raises the question, is it worth it?"

"Matter in the way we know it only exists in our minds due to the way it reacts with us. Therefore, if we change our minds, we can change the world around us."

"The great minds of the world asked the question 'why?'. The greatest minds answered it."

"I don't have a train of thought, I have an oil spill".

"Why kill two birds with one stone when you can kill three with one box of chicken nuggets?"

"It takes two to tango, but it only takes one to laugh"

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man miss all the good TV shows"

"You know you're in trouble when you start planning parcrastination, and then wait till later to do it."

"You have to learn to laugh at yourself, or you'll be missing out on lots of free entertainment."

"Creativity is the ability to take this quote and imagine it has a point."

"There is no cure for human illogicality, it is the one universal constant."

"The universe is a lot like a hotdog, no one knows how it was created, no one knows how long it's been sitting around, and the less we know about what's in it, the happier we are."

"The only limit on mans ability to learn, is his ability to try."

"Anyone who says 'Violence never solves anything.', simply don't know how to use it correctly."

"It is better to have love and lost, than to have your face glued to a race horse."

"The universe is a very big place, it's at LEAST three times the size of north dakota, and maybe even bigger than Australia!"

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, That sentence is plagorized, and I'm going to sue."

"That which doesn't kill us, only brakes down our immune system, making it easier for something else to kill us."

"If life gives you lemons, take them and run! You just got yourself some free lemons!"

"Optimists say the glass is half full, pessimists say they wanted pizza".