The Here Zone, because wherever you go, you're always Here
10 Ways to Tell You're Getting Old
1. You into an adjacent room and forget why you did.
2. You consume more in medication than you do food.
3. You forgot what you were trying to forget and forget why you tried to forget it.
4. You can't operate such electronic things more complicated than a calculator.
5. You would prefer infomercials to the football game.
6. You have so many disabilities that your life support needs life support.
7. You can't read this sentence.
8. You forget when your birthday is.
9. You forget you have a birthday.
10. You forget you were born.
44 Things We Learned From The Movies
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. Most dogs are immortal.
4. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
5. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
9. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
10. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
11. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
13. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
23. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him hours to finish the job.
25. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
33. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
36. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
37. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
38. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
39. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
40. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
41. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
42. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
43. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
44. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Top Ten Things Guys Know About Girls
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up! all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Things To Do In A Dorm Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe paper ghosts from them the next day.
13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.
14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.
15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.
18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.
19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his beneficence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.
22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh... do you know what these words REALLY mean?"
25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.
26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.
27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)
30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.
32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using the toilet stalls.
33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three days later, have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and terrorize the school.
34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.
38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.
43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasteurized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.
44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh every time someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.
45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself every time you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.
11 Ways To Order Pizza
1. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
2. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
3. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
4. Change your accent every three seconds.
5. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
6. Imitate the order taker's voice.
7. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
8. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
9. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
10. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
11. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
The 22 Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
22. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
110 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
1.Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave, "Slim Jim," wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4.Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5.Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a bitch," and kick him in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you;ve been watching too much, "Beavis and Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8.Eat lots of, "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
9.Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10."Drink," a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11.Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12.Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my god! Where the hell am I?" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don;t know what he/she is talking about.
13.Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's speading, it's spreading."
14.Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15.Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16.Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17.Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannical.
18.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon,..."
19.Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all your clothes and ignore your roommate.
20.Bring in potential, "new," roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/She won't be here much longer."
21.If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
22.Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
23.Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24.Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25.Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26.Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
27.Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28.Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29.Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31.Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32.Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33.Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
34.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
35.Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36.Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37.Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38.Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39.Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
40.Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41.Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42.Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43.Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty of the room with concern.
45.Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, that was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47.Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48.Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49.Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
50.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51.Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52.Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53.Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54.Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55.Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.
56.Sign your roommate up for various activities (campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor, etc).
57.Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58.Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59.Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60.Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61.Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62.Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63.Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64.Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65.Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
66.Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67.Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68.When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69.Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70.Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71.Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
72.Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73.Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74.Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
77.Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78.Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79.Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80.Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
81.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82.Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83.Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84.Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
85.Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86.Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-olantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88.hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89.Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90.Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to,..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
91.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92.Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93.Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94.Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95.Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96.Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
99.Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100.Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
101.Stare at the TV as if hypnotized as long as it is off, when your roommate turns it on, act uninterested and read a book.
102.When your roommate is home, charge into the room, holding a broom as a rifle, scream, "The Nazis have come for us!", dive over the couch, and pretend to shoot about twenty of them, then put the broom away and go about your normal routine (repeat every hour).
103.Refuse to get dressed in front of the TV, whisper to your roommate, "You never know what they're going to report next about me."
104.Quickly run up to your roommate, claim that it wasn't your fault, it was an accident, cling to his leg sobbing until he forgives you.
105.Fill an air tank with normal oxygen, claim that you're into inhaling helium, inhale some oxygen and then talk as deep as you can.
106.Rent or buy a fake sarcophagus, ask your roommate to 'wrap you up' every night with toilet paper before sleeping in it.
107.March around the room like a drill sergeant, eyeing your roommate sternly, smack a ruler in front of him, and order him to cut it out right now. Threaten to court-martial him.
108.Carve pumpkins everyday, throw the seeds and innards in your roommate's bed, tell him that they get sick easily and that his bed was the closest thing around to vomit in.
109.Watch a lot of, "Rocky and Bullwinkle," get obsessed with Rocky, draw pictures of him, write letters in blood, and eventually dive out the window of your room. Repeat every day.
110.Wear some sunglasses and thick gloves, pretending to be in Virtual Reality, claim that this is the most boring game you've ever played, point towards your roommate and say how fake he looks.
46 Things To Do During An Exam That Doesn't Matter
1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got secret documents!!"
3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a joke the instructor and the class are!
7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.
9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave to country" and run off.
12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be vulgar as possible.
16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out start commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until they drag you away.
30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!) like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see appropriate.
39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41.One word: Wrestlemania.
42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like the do before concerts start.
43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45.Sit around until the exam invigilator tells you to stop writing. Keep writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a big pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've missed all your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I am?" very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The instructor will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere in the pile.
46.Go into the exam wearing a flimsy tank top. Twenty minutes into the exam, stand up, roar, and tear off your tank top like the Hulk Hogan of yesteryear. Then calmly walk to the front of the room, leave your exam, and leave with a serene, satisfied smile on your face.
11 Signs Computers Are Taking Over The World
1.Your car stalls and you need to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL to get it to start up again.
2.Your microwave comes wiht Windows CR pre-loaded.
3.The first thing you see is a C:\ prompt when you turn on your calculator.
4.Getting that cashier job at DeMoulas requires experience in C++, HTML, and JAVA.
5.Wristwatches come equipped with Hard Drives.
6.Toilets are microprocessor-driven and come standard with 8 MB or RAM.
7.That simple, easy-to-use dial on the toaster is replaced with a CRT showing an icon menu.
8.Your sewing machine will not operate without a 56Kbps internet connection.
9.The TV has a START button in the corner of the screen.
10.You activate your newborn child's website and internet e-mail address before filling out the birth certificate.
11.Social status is based on how fast your internet connection is.