What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think that next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not!
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 0
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands
on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to
the back of a cat and dropped it?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why do they call them mobile homes when 99 percent of the time they
Are there any unguided missiles?
What happens if you add water to a condensed book?
What slang word does a frog use to describe another frog's death?
Is it really "all-purpose" flour? I mean can I use it to bathe in or
use it as a driveway sealer?
Has the woman who keeps saying "There is nothing more disgusting than
annoying static cling" ever given mouth-to-mouth to a giant trout?
What do the French call open mouth kissing?
Why is an outdoor theater called a "drive-in"?
Why do relatives ask "Would you like to see the new baby?" Do they have
an old baby they're hiding in the garage?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?