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-How to be Persuasive-
Being persuasive is hard to accomplish. The purpose of this tutorial is to help you compete with the naturally persuasive people. By the time you are done reading this, you'll be able to convince anyone to believe anything. Prepare to learn how to argue in a proper, effective, and dignified manner..
The cornerstone of good persuasive arguing is stubbornness. You must NEVER, under any circumstances, accept that the other person may be right. Open-mindedness has led to the downfall of many great arguers. Just keep thinking to yourself, that the other person doesn't agree with you, therefore MUST be wrong. The sooner you realize that you're always right, the sooner you can make other people realize they're always wrong.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "The moon is made of cheese, and hockey
is better than football."
Speaker #2: "Umm.. It's a proven fact the the moon is NOT made of cheese, and hockey being better than football is just an opinion."
Speaker #1: "The moon is made of cheese, and hockey is better than football."
Speaker #2: "Ok, look, I have a piece of moon ROCK at my house. The moon is not made out of cheese. And you're welcome to think hockey is better than football, however, I feel that football is the superior sport."
Speaker #1: "The moon is made of cheese, and hockey is better than football")
Big words are a very pivotal part of being persuasive. Not only do they make you look all big and smart, make the other person look stupid, and impress girls, but they can also lengthen the time you speak. This seems like a good time to bring up that how long you talk about what you want to say, is directly proportionate to the longevity of however the conception will stay within the targeted targets cerebellum.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "You're a prolusion of a delusional antidissinterior
decorator if you do not emancipate the obvious supercalafragilistic properties
that hockey contains which the supercilious-less football which does not
contain there fourmentioned proprieties."
Speaker #2: "...What?"
Speaker #1: "Ah-hah! Your arrogant lacking of futile responses has led to the enzymatic agreements with my myriad points."
Speaker #2: "I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about..."
Speaker #1: "You're obliviously too acute to grasp my imperialous... cerebellums.")
Just like big words, forgetfulness can stretch the time you have to make your point. You need to use this tool wisely, because it can be a devastating weapon in your fight against ignorance. You should use it in this way: Forget your point completely. "Isn't that a bad thing?" you may say, but the answer is no. By forgetting your point, it shows the other person that they are SO wrong, it's not even worth your trouble to remember what you were saying. See the example for further proof of this.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "Virginia has never produced any good presidents."
Speaker #2: "Yes it has... Actually, most of our good presidents have come from Virginia"
Speaker #1: "My point exactly.... I think.... I dunno... I forgot."
Speaker #2: "So... we agree?"
Speaker #1: "Yup. I'm right.")
Lying is certainly one of the best ways to convince someone of something. If the facts don't prove what you want them to, then just make up new facts! This is one of the most often used forms of persuasion. There are various degrees of lying: Fib - A small exageration of the truth, Hyperbole - A large exageration of the truth, Lie - A statement that has nothing at all to do with the truth, Big Lie - A statement that not only has nothing to do with the truth, but if told would make your dead grandmother roll over in her grave with shame. The big lie is normally the way to go.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "Dogs are better than cats."
Speaker #2: "I prefer cats."
Speaker #1: "But cats eat babies! They dig their rabid muzzles into the poor infants chest and rip out the kidneys!"
Speaker #2: "No they don't!!!"
Speaker #1: "They do! They killed my grandmother!")
No persuasive argument would be complete without a little rhyming. Not only does it make you sound clever, but when used correctly, it can make your opponent sound ignorant. To accomplish this seemingly impossible feat, you take one of their points and then make up a nonsensical rhyming word and use it directly after the original word in a sentence.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "There are no people on this planet that
don't believe in democracy."
Speaker #2: "Yes there are. They're called Communists."
Speaker #1: "Communists Shmomunists!"
Speaker #2: "...")
Up until now, this tutorial has focused entirely on ideas and concepts. We are now ready to progress into actual physical movement. The flailing arms strategy is used to express surprise, or to make your point stronger. It's very hard to disagree with someone waving their arms in confidence.
(Ex: Speaker #1: Water is a poisonous substance"
Speaker #2: No it's not... you need to drink it to survive."
Speaker #1: *Waving arms wildly* Water is poisonous!"
Speaker #2: "whatever you say man, just please, don't hurt me...")
Taunting is a crucial part of being persuasive. There's nothing that'll add your credibility like a well placed "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!!!". Another option would be "BRING IT ON!!!".
(Ex: Speaker #1: "I disagree strongly with your religion."
Speaker #2: "You have the right to disagree, but I am also entitled to my opinion."
Speaker #1: "BRING IT ON!!!"
Speaker #2: "...")
Random comments can be extremely useful tools when trying to convince someone of something. They not only confuse and disorient the person you're trying to convince, but they show that you have knowledge of many subjects. Your opponent will then feel that if you know so much, you must be right about the matter at hand.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "School lunch is the devil."
Speaker #2: "Despite the taste, school lunch is in actuallity, very nutritional."
Speaker #1: "Yeah, well, I could beat you at arm wrestling!"
Speaker #2: "What does that have to do with school lunches??"
Speaker #1: "The african swallow's average air speed is four billion miles per hour."
Speaker #2: "That has NOTHING to do with school lunches! Not only that, but it goes against the laws of physics!"
Speaker #1: "I'm hungrey...")
Name-calling is definitely high on the list of recommended procedures. Very few things strengthen your argument more than a good "doo doo head!", or "bummy bum bum bum!", or "four eyes!". This proves to your opponent that they are a doo doo head, bummy bum bum bum, or four eyes, making them doubt their competence and realize that since you are intelligent enough to point out their weaknesses, you're intelligent enough to know more than they do about the subject.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "I believe all short people should be beaten
with rocks until they bleed."
Speaker #2: "I think that's a very horrible and malicious idea"
Speaker #1: "Yeah, well you're fat! fatty fat fat fat doo doo head!"
Speaker #2: *sobs*)
Yelling is certainly a natural and exciting way to get your point across. It is also one of the most effective. When someone yells, people get a feeling of awe and respect. The louder the better. If you can yell properly, there's no limit to the amount of people you can enlighten. There are three key points to being a good yeller. 1) Loud loud loud. If you aren't loud, you aren't yelling. 2) Bulge your eyes. The farther out of your head your eyes bulge, the more likely it is the people will admire and respect you, and therefore change their stupid idea to meet your correct ones. 3) Turn red. Red is a color of power. The redder you get, the more power you have. If you use yelling wisely, you will enhance your persuasion performance at least ten fold.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "Canada isn't a real country. It's
a stupid one."
Speaker #2: "Canada is a great ally to this country, and we wouldn't be the same without it."
Speaker #1: "SHUT UP!!! CANADA IS A STUPID COUNTRY!!!! STUPID!!! STUPID!!! CANADA SUCKS LIKE A VACUUM!!!! BAD!!!! BAD CANADA!!! BAD!!!"
Speaker #2: "You're a moron, aren't you?")
Swearing is absolutely crucial if you want to persuade someone of something. If you don't swear, you can just give up right then and there. Swearing is a sign of great articulation and vocabulary. If your opponent never hears you swear, they're going to have absolutely not confidence in you, and therefore no confidence in your ability to make a decision. When it comes to swearing, the more the better. It becomes an even more powerful tool when used with yelling. (see above)
(Ex: Speaker #1: "**** you man! ****** Canada is a
***** ***** **** of a ****** country!!!!"
Speaker #2: "Can you tone it down a bit? And Canada is a very important nation."
Speaker #1: "***** *** * ***** ******** ****** MAN!!!! ******!!!!"
Speaker #2: "Please, could you watch your language?"
Speaker #1: "Oh, so **** you, ****, you just go **** ****** you ***** *** ******!!!!! **************!!!")
Biting is more of a last ditch effort. You use this tactic when the other person is too stupid to listen to you, and refuses to change their opinion. It is normally best to go for an important artery or organ. I suggest the jugular, as it is at about mouth height, and had minimal protection.
(Ex: Speaker #1: "I'm right"
Speaker #2: "I don't agree. It may be possible, but in my opinion yo...."
Speaker #1: *lunges at Speaker #2's neck and rips it open with his teeth* "I win.")